I don't want to be perfect, just better...

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I'm Like an Emotional Orphan

Image - Curt Clendenin

If you've read my blog for any bit of time then you know I'm not close to my parents for many reasons.

My maternal grandmother raised me and in spirit I'm her child and no one else's.

In the last two weeks I've had a couple of setbacks in my long, mid range and short term planning. It was during this time that I broke down for about an hour crying, weeping and moaning.

The Hubbster was at work early. OKBF was at work late. I knew @cwattigney, WooWoo and TallGirl were busy. I called my godmother but she was too busy to sit on the phone while I was basically on a crying tangent.

It was during my crying jag that I realized how orphaned I am emotionally especially by my family. I'm sure that if I called one of my eight brothers and sisters that they would listen to me and my problems but as to compassion and understanding...

It was also during this time that I wished my mother and I had the type of relationship were I could call her with my problems because really there was nothing anyone could do but I needed an emotional shoulder to boohoo my eyes out too.

I've always been envious of women that are close with their mothers. TallGirl, WooWoo, @CWattigney and OKBF all have the mothers I wish I had. When something goes down or wrong in their life they have an emotional backup system that is the equivalent of the 101st Airborne or Seal Team Six.

That is a bond that I don't have; the last time I called my mother with a tears in my voice and dilemma in my heart - she didn't offer a listening ear, kind words or even comfort - she basically scolded me, mocked and taunted me.

I vowed then and there after I left our call angry instead of relieved that I would never call her again when I was having a problem.

Who do you call when you hit bottom emotionally?

3 comments:

  1. It is reaffirming to me, in a weird way, to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this issues. I can tell SO, when he is home. Depending on the issue, there may be another gf or two I can talk to. But I- don't have a strong healthy relationship like that with my mom or either of my sisters. My one sister talks to my mother every day and they live several states away. The fatal flaw,I fear, lies within myself. The is something so wrong about me emotionally, I don'thave the connections many women have learned how to formed.maybe, for me, it is some kind os psychic scar left from the abandonment by mybirth parents, before I was adopted by perfectly capable and loving parents. I just hope I can eliminate those same scars on my own children. Scars caused by my adequate parenting.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't know, I haven't really been able to call my mom in years. Obviously not now that she's dead, but even after the terminal diagnosis, we knew that stress caused her cancer to flare up (specifically adrenaline), so we tried to shield her from stressful situations. I would talk with her if I needed specific advice, but a shoulder to cry on? My sister & I aren't close in that way, though we are in others. Sometimes I've had ProfX. In college I had a couple roommates. But really now...I don't call anyone, I just cry.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I too, was raised by my grandmother. And I too, have no relationship with my mother. We haven't spoken in almost four years. I can't tell you how much a weight I feel on my heart about our lack of a relationship. I turn to my fiance and friends as much as possible but its difficult not having that mother/daughter relationship.

    ReplyDelete