I don't want to be perfect, just better...

Monday, August 22, 2011

Trying to Figure out the Life Lesson I'm Supposed to Learn

Sometimes I'm a bad judge of character. I'm not sure if this is because I was raised by and around secretive people or if it is because I have misjudged people badly in the past and I'm too weary or leery or both to ever completely trust someone again.

Maybe my radar is tuned too high like the string of a guitar just waiting to snap at the least thing.

I've said this before but I'm a firm believer that Life or {insert name of deity you believe in here} sometimes decides you need to learn a lesson {charity, kindness, planning, or other assorted life lessons}. 

If you/me never learn that life lesson or forget the lesson then you are doomed to repeat that lesson. I feel this is true in my bones because I sometimes find myself on the same damn carousel going around the same situation.

I find this is true even more so when I ignore my gut instinct.

I’ve found that maybe I’m doomed to keep repeating one lesson. I can't tell you if that is to become more trusting or learning to trust people or to follow my gut when it says don't trust.

I do know this:

I Do Not Ever want to be hurt or vulnerable to hurt EVER again. I think this is one of the reasons I cut/excise/remove with a scalpel so many people out of my life. I don’t want people to know how much pain and heartache they have caused me.

I don’t want to stand vulnerable under their scrutiny and let them think they got the better of me.

This may be about me keeping “face” or it may just be me trying to hide my pain.

It is probably one of the reasons I would rather curse you out than say “you hurt me.”

OKBF and I were talking the other night and we were discussing a new ‘friend’ of hers. She said “I’m not sure how long she will be around.” <- That is me. 

I never try to make new friends especially ones I think will stick around because I don’t want to expose the gushy inner parts of me to another person. Those who have seen my vulnerable underbelly are probably the only ones who will see my vulnerable underbelly.

I'm confused as to the lesson I'm supposed to learn. But I have felt this sensation before after I parted ways with someone I had hoped to grow close too. I know it isn't just a sensation of deja vu that I'm feeling but an almost exact repeat of parting ways that include deleting phone numbers and mentally wishing them well or to hell. Whichever I felt applied better to the situation that broke us apart. 

As I mentioned in my post, A Lesson That Was Reinforced  I know I am possibly too judgmental. @SingleMa may never let me live down my +/- system. 

So for now I'm riding this carousel of Life Lesson on repeat and I don't know what to do.  

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